Hey, Holly, hugs. Going to answer you on the main because the other only fits so much.

Yes, still alive here, but most time is spent working or recovering from work. Summer was busy, an event to vend or do psychic readings (one fair I did 38 and was a zombie for three days,) for every weekend except one I think, don't remember. Just that it's been swamped. Not all of them till recently have been satisfying, but in this economy you work your ass off for what you can get, right?

Beyond that it's been tough, and to write about most crap continually hitting would not be a help; just don't have the time...which really means the emotional resources for it. The fortitude. I'm not just scraped out because that happened two years ago at least. Don't really know what at this point could describe it except I've nothing to give anyone at all, can't take any more, thus another reason beyond exhaustion of life and work I'm unable to connect with friends like you, Shawno, the rest no matter I'd love to. The title 'pathetic' may work. No problem with me. Still, one thing I'm not doing is rolling over and dying, thank you very much. To keep 'swinging', digging in my stubborn ass and holding on is just too basic a part of my nature. If nothing else life has proven that for damn sure.

But at any rate, now that fall is here the load may lighten some because the festivals are mostly done so we'll see. Of course I'm just blowing smoke with that because fall, the pre-onset of the holiday selling season as well as need to 'winterize' brings it's own load. As well as E and I have PLANS, goals to be reached to get things back on track, a brighter future on the horizon. Know it's there, can see it (hell, damn near smell and taste it as well!) because it's Right There, just a matter of putting all these building blocks we've been busy, sweating and bleeding to making, gathering them up and building our bridge across the gap to reach it.

Ta-da.

Still in the same place, (can't go there. Sorry, it's just too much,) currently waiting for the police to arrive so we can file a complaint report because we just discovered a squatter's nest...in the back of our old truck. Parked only twenty feet from the house in our driveway and not paid much attention to; pretty leaf and dust covered (lots of construction across the street for the past two months; dust clouds blowing constant, need to keep windows closed,) but after we saw someone 'skulking' around last night this morning we checked the place out. Lifted the back and ugh, the smell! But bedding and clothes, smelly socks and chip bags were there to great us.

Surprise.

Okay, we feel like crap because from signs, little 'off' things we've been noticing, though he may not have stayed there every night it's clear we missed it for at least two weeks. Basically since the college kids came back, which is what most likely drove him out of where he was before. Guy's a real expert at it, quiet, sneaky, though still not quite there because we've found a few things left around. Basically we thought it was the returned college kids who left a sweat- and T-shirt on one of our chairs in the back yard because it happened same night as their annual 'We're Back!' drunken bash and they were drunk and tromping everywhere all up and down and through the streets and neighborhood. Again, its SOP to find their leavings everywhere and would hardly be the first time their 'party' spilled into our backyard. Empty beer bottles, kegs, and as said in the past, lumps of shit complete with toilet paper 'flags' are just normal dander left by the college kids. Back yard, driveway, sidewalk, bushes, parking lot, middle of the street—all normal.

What wasn't was the pair of gourmet soup cans, unopened, found sitting in the driveway a couple days ago. So okay, we've been inundated and slow based upon fact of that and missed the signs due to the college kids' usual...

Okay, the officer just arrived and did his thing. Great guy, smiling and down to earth decent with humor to boot. Poor guy because the bag that was first thing yanked out of our truck was at the bottom of our trashcan under the, ahem 'stinky' little futon, blanket and dirty laundry. Ah well, dirty job but someone had to do it. Once he had the rubber gloves on we assured him it was fine to just pull the big plastic bin over and yank thing out onto the driveway. Just lifting the lid and he was 'whew!'. Told him if he really wanted to smell something he should have been there when we opened the sealed windowed truck back. He said no thanks.

Now this is interesting. Clearly the velour satchel was a woman's, my initial thought was stolen, only it was full of local health clinic pills, (prescription dated a month ago,) another unmarked bottle of other pills and a homemade 'phone book' all belonging to a woman with name on it. The officer called it in and the lady has a caseworker at the clinic so he's bringing her medication there. An appointment card said she's supposed to be there on the 27th. So what is the deal here because it was clearly a guy last night, and when E yelled out the window at him he acted like he was just taking a piss. Not. So whether we've a couple, caught a 'visitor' or someone who stole or was there to buy pills we just don't know. Main worry now is that since the nest has been found and there's no need for 'subtlety' anymore we could get broken into.

Sighs.

Moving on to my website URL disaster screw-up. (Whee.)

My service was about to expire, and since the registry company I worked with was waaay too expensive, (got it years back when there were fewer options,) I was going to go with another company we've worked with who are just as good and a third of the price. They also have 30% off sales a lot. Money needs to be watched close so I waited two weeks for one of the sale emails. Got it, only when I tried to sign up I was informed my URL was not available. I am like WTF?! Who the hell took my name as their URL? Not like it's a simple Ann or anything, right?

Well, turns out that soon as one (URL) that has been used becomes available it is sold randomly, by the bulk batch, to companies that just do that: buy URLs. This company is a Japanese one. My options now are to place a fucking bid on it when it becomes available again a year from now—if they feel like selling, or get a new URL. I feel very weird because in order to lock in my 'starting bid' of $59.00 I have to give this overseas company all my credit card info.

I think not.

Okay, it's my screw-up, know that. Am kicking myself royally, am crying and groaning for all the work I've put in—my banners are everywhere across book, artist and author sites and site-rings, blog and chatroom archives, link exchanges across the...well, it's years of work down the drain, both publicity as well as artistic because I drew those banners and animated the gifs from scratch...and none of it will bring people to me any more. Plus it's printed on my book jacket.

I'm fucked.

Ah well.

However, there is something I believe in to the core, and that is the concept of fertilizer. From basic herb to the most beautiful plant in the world, everything needs 'waste' to grow and bloom from. Without friction there can be no fire. Without need there is no need for evolution. The universal principle of Yin and Yang, Kali and Shiva: without destruction there is no growth. Perfection is where things end. Without hardship and struggle, when things are easy the result is no effort is required to do anything. The result of that is Stagnation. You end up with as well as becoming nothing. Devastation/destruction is good. Example of this is seen when we look at cities that have been blown to hell in one war or another. Like phoenixes rising from the ashes, those ones who got it the worst (Germany and Japane I'm talking about,) are now the most modern and efficient places in the world, buildings, transit, you name it. Countries that haven't been touched like the US here are grinding down, just doing 'patch jobs' to keep hold of what is no matter improvements are the smarter as well as more cost efficient in the long run route. No growth, just running a limited world gerbil wheel: stagnation of keeping the 'same old' because the kick in the ass need for effort isn't there.

Therefore, I am looking at this devastating disaster of mine. I am admitting that my name (old URL) is a hell of a one for people to remember, let alone spell. Need something 'catchier'. Yes, I could do a 'dot net' but...

Well, I need a couple more days to think this over, decide what to do. And typical of my own nasty—yet always on the Side of Light—nature, I am enjoying the fact that when I do rocket to fame I will be able to sue the fucking ass off of the ones who used My Name without permission, will look at royalties and thing back owed. Monetary compensations. (Note we have a great contact who goes to Japan often. A high-end corporate official business type. Therefore, bet ass I can do this.) Not to mention that as karma decrees, I will be sharing the experience of Devastation and Destruction with another so that they also will have the positive opportunity of renewing growth as I have been given. The experience of it. Mm-hmm, just doing my own little part to help the world and people where I can. Yup, I'm good with that.

Hmm, what else? Oh, yeah, also got married. Don't remember if that was mentioned here or not yet. Hell of a funny story, only on that note, I'm going to go get lunch because I'm crashing. It's been a real day so far and I imagine tonight is going to be more interesting so need to be fortified for it.

Cheers and hug to you, Holly, Shawno, Lady Wolfen Mist, Azodnem and the rest. Always.

Melissa

What can I say? 'Back' like this, yet it is the way to get word out to many, meaning those who have heard about the shooting that happened in our neighborhood yesterday that Emile and I are safe.

http://www.courant.com/community/news/mr/hc-web-wesleyan-shooting-0507.artmay08045212,0,603489.story

No, it did NOT happen in our bookstore, however, it was a block down from us on the same street, and we are between their books store and the campus itself, just across the street from us is a dorm complex. Needless to say we are not opening the shop today. Murdered not caught as well as he's a fixation on students of that campus? Un-uh, not us. Of course it doesn't bother the deli owner next door, he's open just fine. Typical.

It's like a ghost town out there, far different cry than yesterday. Whoa, what a thing to just happen to look out the window on that bright, spring day and see police officers running around with assault riffles twenty feet away and then go dashing around the child development center across the street, searching in and through the bushes lining it; a German Shepherd straining at the leash while two more officers are behind heading off in different direction...

Ahem. I quickly went and locked the front door.

Cruiser was set as roadblock in the street at the corner, and was something later to see a small car zip up, park illegal and a woman get out trying to get by the officer because her daughter also worked in the book store and she did not know if she was safe or not. Practically beneath our window, could hear as she was told the place had been evacuated; mother only knowing that her daughter had been standing right next to all the shooting; the relief felt coming off of her in a flood when learned she was alright.

Little kids running around in their yards along the Yellow Tape strung up, see the news vans come and set up cameras (next to our house) and start shouting how they want to be on TV! Some yelling at the crew to make them a 'movie star'.

Freaking surreal, man.

Okay, like said, I am sort of back, though still running through some emotional ringers here and it's hard as hell to break out of this shell built up to keep the pain and depressions of life out. Just can't deal with things; to talk about just has everything crashing down upon and welling up again; overwhelms, and any tiniest scrap of self gained back is ripped away, things raw and right there again. It's freaking pathetic, man, I swear, know it, still, sometimes you just have to burrow down and hibernate a while, cocoon yourself away. Heal, transform and come out the other side as something new.

I'm working on it.

Later peeps,

Melissa